Luke Grown Up

The last thing I want to do here is draw pity and make people feel sorry for me. I’m not one to do that, and frankly it’s stupid. If you feel pity after reading this, have a friend punch you in the gut. If you have no friends, have a stranger run over your toes in a luxury sedan. All I want to do is illustrate for my three readers what it’s like to be me as of late.

That being said, I have not had a full night’s sleep in more than three weeks. I’m becoming not unlike the guy who insisted there were parkas in the Wild West. My slumber time has been steadily decreasing, but about now it’s been hovering around 6.5 - 7 hours. I wake up every morning feeling tired. Usually I’m jarred awake by the urge to urinate. I’ve figured out over the past weeks that I can go six hours after drinking something before I have to use the bathroom. So I wake up, sit on the toilet in the dark (it makes matters really easy to sit - guys, try it if you have to go in the middle of the night) until I’m drained, then lie back down. It always feels good to lie down again, but the most I can do is simply relax - sleep never comes. I end up getting frustrated after lying there for about 15 minutes, and I sigh really loudly, curse, and get up. I’ve tried not drinking fluids for hours before bed, using the bathroom before I sleep, taking Tylenol PM, NyQuil, Benadryl, drinking a couple glasses of wine, covering up my window to keep the light from streaming in, and probably a handful of other remedies, but nothing works. Like clockwork, I awake at least two hours before I would like to and am up for the day. Sometimes I even try to go to bed earlier to try and get more sleep, but I just toss and turn for about an hour.

When I wake up, my eyes burn and I usually put in eyedrops if I’m feeling like it. I end up feeling worse than neutral all day, and today was no exception. All day my stomach ached, and only now is it starting to fade. I’m starting to be unable to do my schoolwork, since it takes a certain amount of concentration, a level which I’m starting to be unable to maintain. It’s really starting to piss me off.

Of course, lacking sleep leads one’s mind to enter an irrational territory. Sitting in the girls’ apartment last night, I make the realization aloud that I doubt I’m going to get into medical school. Angela says without offending that I don’t seem like the type. I couldn’t agree more. I used to have this plan when I first came here that I’d do really well and be this hot-shit med student and that I’d be able to do everything leading up to med school. Well, less than a semester and a half later, I’m on a road that doesn’t have street lamps and is essentially as expansive as a parking lot. I don’t know what I want to do anymore, but I’m getting antsy. I just fuckin’ want to be done with school so I can get a job and be on my own. I don’t want to go through 4+ more years of school after undergrad. I’ve resigned to the fact that I’m definitely gonna have to go to grad school, but that’s it. I can’t take any more of this wait - there’s two much future before my life can begin. Angela suggested I do something with writing, and though I love it, there’s no money in it. Unless I’m writing snuff films.

I also realized last night right before I drifted off that this is going to be one sad semester-end. I’ve no choice but to start a new chapter at UMass with unfamiliar people - all of my roommates and neighbors will be gone somewhere or other, from graduating to abroad. It really upset me. The people that I’ve shared so many good times with will be starting their new lives, and I will be stuck here giving handjobs to gorillas or whatever the fuck I’ll be majoring in next year. I wish I had more time.

Regardless, this is my life. I definitely made no mistakes transferring here, but now I have no idea what the future is going to hold. Any suggestions?

Let me reiterate: I don’t want your fuckin’ pity party. I do however want your drinking party. Call me up if you got one goin’ in your backyard.

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