Luke Grown Up

This might surprise all of you, given the fact that I am currently a godless cynic whose sole source of salvation is getting a laugh at any expense, even taking cheap shots at 9/11 (it isn’t too soon, shut the fuck up), but at one point (albeit one very brief point) I was very religious. VERY religious. To the point of scaring and pissing off others. But it wasn’t entirely my fault: I was brainwashed. Bona fide, creepy, stuff-you-read-about-in-conspiracy-novels brainwashed.

Let’s jump right in, shall we? Allow me to start by explaining this: my whole life, I was raised in the Catholic church. I got all my sacraments, attended every Sunday, was an altar boy, worked in the rectory (yeah, yeah, I know, insert priest joke here, you’re very original you fucking prick), and I was in the CYO. But I hated church. I didn’t like going there, but they paid me to work for them, so obviously I had to act the part. I went every Sunday when I was younger because I was forced - never any fun to go to church. I joined the CYO so I could chaperone the dances, though I don’t really know why that was appealing in any respect. Then they gave me a scholarship when I graduated high school. Basically, I used the shit out of the church. I don’t feel bad about it at all - all I was doing was indirectly taking money from moronic parishioners who subscribed to the bullshit that I couldn’t get behind.

But all of that changed. About halfway through high school, one of the priests named Father Kim (a Korean man who has done his share of making people feel incredibly uncomfortable in one way or another - that’s a different, less interesting story) essentially dissolved the CYO and turned it into something called “Life Teen”, which tried really hard to make God “cool” and failed miserably. It had its own mass 5 or 5:30 on Sundays, and afterward we’d talk God and get free food. People came for the food, but even then, turnout was sparse. It fuckin’ sucked, is why. I remember this one time they had a retreat for it that I went to, and I left early because I was going to a Sigur Ros concert. I’m so glad I was able to go see them, not only because it was an amazing concert, but also because at the end of this retreat you had to give a confession. That is some major bullshit right there - it was a trap. But nothing was a bigger trap than Catholic Leadership Institute.

I don’t really know much about CLI, as it was called - I think they’re some national group that sets up these retreats. So I guess it was the summer before senior year of high school, and my parents signed me up to go to this thing. I was pretty mad that they’d do that without telling me, and just writing about it now is getting me a little fired up. It must have been the first week in July, because the AIM profiles I’ve saved point to that (I’ll get to this side-story later - it’s funny as shit). This thing was at Merrimack College in Massachusetts, so I pack up my shit and away we go.

I get there and I figure I’ll be open-minded, or at least pleasant - I didn’t want to make any trouble. Basically, the whole week was a lot of leadership activities, like planning a fake event, leading prayer, etc. Also, we did a lot of group talking, like sharing the things we were thankful for (we did this every day). I remember a couple things that stand out.

First, that is where I met Nick Bruce, a cool dude who used to go to UMass, but has since dropped out to pursue his passion: drugs, as the wise John D’Ambrisi has informed me. I just found this out the other day. Crazy. So Nick, I, and a couple other dudes would play poker every night just to have some fun. I remember that well.

I remember this guy Brendan teaching me my party trick: the fish flop. Ask to see it sometime.

I also remember this really cute girl catching my eye the first day at a meal. By the end of the week we were thick as thieves. It breaks my heart that she’s still religious though.

But the thing I remember the most is the feelings that crept up in me as the week progressed. I began to pray and think about God, as well as have deep discussions about everything with this other guy Bill. Everyone was incredibly nice, so it was hard NOT to like them. These feelings were getting bigger and bigger, building to a bursting point. These feelings had something to do with the small amount of sleep we were getting, which was at most 8 hours a night, but usually less. Any experienced brainwasher can tell you that sleep deprivation is an excellent way to break someone’s spirit so you can mold them however you wish. All of these feelings exploded one night at mass when I was kneeling and praying. All of a sudden, this wave of warmth passed through me, and I was euphoric, I thought God had touched me.

For weeks after this I was a douchebag. I hardly remember it - I do remember coming back home and going to MelDiva (RIP), a coffee shop that was in Franklin at the time, and hugging everyone, generally spreading the douchebaggery. I also remember watching a lot of movies because I didn’t want to be around people that were drinking or something stupid. Slowly, the feelings started to wear off, and finally, I was back to normal. Only within the past year or two have I realized that I was brainwashed in the most powerful sense of the word. The experience was very important though - it led me to become who I am: a pissed-off atheist. Yes, atheist. I mulled it over for awhile, but I’ve finally decided that there’s no god but Pizza. And though Pizza is amazing, it is not a deity. Therefore, there is no god. And there’s no problem with that - it’s actually very liberating.

A couple of funny after-effects of this brainwash garbage. A couple weekends ago when Diaz and Fred came here, somehow this subject came up. Diaz was saying I was so shitty. I was curious, and I asked him what I did to be so shitty. He was like, “Well you came back and you were saying, ‘Dude, I gotta be good, I can’t keep doing this. I’m not gonna say “nigger” anymore, and I can’t make fun of retards…’” At this point, I fucking lost it. The fact that I said this was funny because I, of all people, said it. I am an offensive bastard - it’s who I am. Secondly, the fact that I was being so serious about it made me lose my shit when Diaz said this. I’m laughing really hard, and I say, “What was I thinking?!” After realizing that most normal people would actually not say ‘nigger’ or make fun of retards, I realized how terrible of a person I was/am. This just made me laugh even harder. No need to tell me - I know I’m a piece of garbage. But at least I’m going to outlive all those kids with cancer.

Secondly, I mentioned before that I had a log of my profiles for awhile. I think I did it for about a year. They have provided me with an interesting cross-section of my thought processes around that time, Anyway, when I came back from CLI, this was the opening of my info:

CLI…the least I can possibly call it is a life-changing experience. All of the wonderful people I met, all of the things I learned, not only about leadership but about myself, all of the great times. There is still much to learn, but I am well on my way to discovering myself and this world in which we live. I am no longer afraid to take chances, and I am no longer afraid to be who I am. I love everyone.

Fuckin’ a, right? For awhile, I still had stupid shit in my info, like “An embrace is a transfer of spirit”or something equally pathetic. Finally, 11 months later, on 6/4/04, I found this gem:

The best nights are the ones where you spend absolutely no money, yet still manage to get piss drunk and crash into the million man march.

To this day that still makes me laugh, and when I read it right before I started writing this post, I knew that I was back.

Well, I have to run. This weekend has been great so far, let’s see if we can get enough stuff together to post an entry about it.

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