Luke Grown Up

I’m going to start this post with a little story so as to get you readers in the right mood for what is to follow. Also, this may seem muddled or confused because I just got back from a grad party and am running on 10 minutes of sleep and about 15 beers. No matter.

Last week was my last week at UMass for the year. I finished on Tuesday and moved home Wednesday. I planned on going back for the night on Friday because the girls and Benny were graduating the next day, so Friday was their last night ever. I couldn’t go to the graduation because of a stupid work training, so I just decided I’d go for the night and leave the next morning.

So I moved out Wednesday, took it easy that night, then made plans to go out with Heather the next night. D’Errico was back from Nigeria (Spain), so I invited him and De out. Diaz as well. John too (it was weird having him call me back because he vanished for weeks at the semester’s end - that’s another story that really isn’t all that blogworthy). So Heather and I went to Acapulco’s and had a couple drinks. When they were closing (around 9 or 9:30) I was perplexed. I was not used to a bar closing that early on a Thursday night (Amherst bars close at 1) - I guess in its defense it was a restaurant, not just a bar, but whatever. At this time everyone is there, so we decide to mosey on over to the Rome. We have a drink and I realize how much the place sucks and how much I miss my home (Amherst). I no longer feel comfortable calling Franklin “home”, as it just isn’t where my heart is (after all, home is where… well you get the point). Well, we end up leaving around 10:30, and I am sort of drunk and very upset. I don’t want to go to my house at all - I don’t want to drive there and I don’t want to hang out with my parents. I light up a clove and Heather is worried about my getting home. I insist that she goes, because I just don’t want to drive, and I need to be out longer anyway. So she finally leaves and I’m sitting on a ledge smoking a clove and just being depressed. Finally, 15 minutes later I decide I’m sober enough to drive (I hadn’t had a lot to drink, so I just needed a little time). I get home and go to bed, still feeling empty. I miss my friends, and I feel like I’m never going to see them again. In my away message, I say that I miss Amherst like a toddler misses his mother, and it’s exactly how I feel. I don’t cry, but I bet I could have. (Yeah, I don’t care about saying that - if someone has a good reason, crying is acceptable. So fuck you if you think I’m a “pansy” or a “mary” or a “cum dumpster” or a “ladder”.)

The next day I’m up at 7 because I can’t sleep at all. I head out to Amherst around 11, and I am pretty psyched. When I get back, it’s so good to see everyone again. I meet Ashley’s parents, and Lindsey is over too - quite a surprise to have everyone in one room again. I have a lot to do though, cleaning and packing up the rest of my shit, so I get on it after Benny and I get coffee and booze for later. We are well-stocked with beer, champagne, and other alcohols that Alex left behind. Wayne and Thy come over, and we get to the cleaning. I do lots of dishes and clean what I can. I pack up the rest of my crap while having a couple Gold Annies (Golden Anniversaries). Around 6 or 7 I take the girls to the store so they can get booze. Linds and I go to the Dollar Store while we’re waiting and look at the garbage they’re peddling. I make bad jokes, Linds laughs, I feel good about myself.

After this I do a little more cleaning, then I head to the girls’ to drink. I bring a bottle of champagne my parents had given me for the occasion. I make a toast and we drink. I am getting drunk. Then we go to the bar, then Kellogg, then we walk home, then I pass out on the couch, then I’m up at 8 to get the hell outta Dodge. I say my final goodbye to Benny and some seeya laters to the girls and hit the road a little after 10.

But the good thing was, I felt like I had closure after this - it seemed like I was finally able to come to Franklin and accept how things were. It still isn’t “home”, but it doesn’t feel as strange as it did on Thursday. I’m telling you though, it was fuckin’ weird that night. I really experienced such a culture shock and such an empty lonely feeling. I remember Wednesday night I called Ashley at like 1 AM because I missed her so much.

And now, on that note, I’d like to thank all of my good friends individually and then as a group.

To Alex: Thank you for putting up with me in my dumbest moments and for having conversations with me when you could. I know you weren’t around much this last semester, but it was always good to see you around when I got home from wherever. Thank you for teaching me how to cook chicken parm - I finally can cook something tasty. Also, thank you for the booze: it is delicious.

To Benny: Thank you for equaling my weirdness and doing silly walks with me, among many other things. Thank you for the humorous stories and the company at the DC. Thank you for the smokes and the coffee runs.  Thank you for the Indian voice.  Thank you for serenading me in the car.  Thank you for being down with going most anywhere with me (even at 3 in the morning). Thank you for cooking me so many great dishes. I feel like you’re my brother, we’ve grown so close over the year.

To Thy: Thank you for “sparkling wiggles” comments at any given time. I know I will see you again next year, but you’ve given me laughs and more throughout this past year, and I really appreciate it. Thanks for offering to smoke me up at any given time - though it may not seem like a big deal, and though I rarely took you up on it, it made me feel great that you’d ask me.

To Angela: Thank you for being another atheist and for idolizing Darwin. Thank you for the pictures, the texts, and the crossword puzzles. Thank you for grabbing my package that one time, and thank you for being someone I can confide in about anything. Thank you for watching Stella with me that one night. Thank you for giving me the space when I was chatting up Sara (even though she was a total jalopy). Thank you for helping to inspire me to keep writing and for getting me to think about my life a lot more.

To Ashley: Thank you for being there for me when I needed someone to talk to, especially the other night. Thank you for always being down for getting a drink somewhere. Thank you for walking with me to work every Monday morning- that was always the high point of my day. Thank you for wearing your aviators with authority- you pull off the look masterfully. Thank you for your eternal smile and your light heart that was able to pick me up any time I was down on anything.

To Carrie: Thank you for the sarcasm and the wit - you had good comments when they counted. Thank you for being my buddy when I dropped by and had nothing to do, and thank you for listening to me talk about stupid shit. Thank you for the Robitussin when I was sick - because of you, I had one of the oddest days of the semester, and I dig odd. Thank you for having me at your grad party as well. I wish I had seen more of you this year - it would have been way awesome.

To Lauren: Thank you for becoming such a good friend to me this year. I know I’ll be seeing you next year too, but I was so glad we had classes together and all that good stuff. Thank you for curling my eyelashes without question. Thank you for putting up with my nonsense - I bust on you a lot, but you know it’s only because I love ya. I’ll be here for you next year - I ain’t no Ash or nothin’, but I’ll try my hardest to be there when you need someone, I promise.

To Lindsey: Thank you for all the awesome times we shared, for all the laughs we’ve had. I know I’m not THAT funny, but every time I heard you laugh at one of my terrible terrible jokes, I felt validated. Thank you for the evenings we spent together, alone and with everyone else, and thank you for putting up with a dork like me. Thank you for being places (like the bar) that surprise me and make me excited to be hangin’ with ya. Thank you for coming to coffee with me that time - I hope maybe someday I can get you to drink that bottle of vinegar we were discussing. I’m really going to miss you Linds, with your being in England and all (Manchester, right?). I hope I get to see you again at some point when you get back.

To Louis: Thank you for sharing so many of the same interests as me. Thank you for getting me into Of Montreal. Thank you for having DC dates with me. Thank you for coming into town with me and having political discussions with me. I’m gonna miss you too big guy, and I hope you come to Massachusetts when you can so we can hang out again.

And to all: Thank you for making my first year at UMass so special. Coming in as a transfer, I was so nervous that I wouldn’t make a lot of friends. Now I’m really upset that everyone is leaving me. But without you guys, there is no way I would have come out of my shell. I am always shy when I first meet people, but as is clear, I opened up immensely (like some girls I happen to know) - I attribute it to you all. Thank you for making me feel so goddamn comfortable to be me, for boosting my self-esteem when it was at an all-time low, for helping me pick out outfits. Thank you for making me feel good about my decision to transfer. Thank you for all of the nights out on the town and for all of the nights in our apartments. Thank you for the morning-after breakfasts and laugh sessions. Thank you for not getting annoyed when I would show up at your apartment every loving day. Thank you for watching TV with me in our common room. Thank you for the screaming in the hall of our apartment. Thank you for the dirty/clean/pirate jokes. Thank you for appreciating The Turtle (that retarded walk I do).

In short, thank you for making this the best year of my life. You guys have become a new family to me, and I’m really really going to miss each and every one of you. Please promise me, whether now or later, that you will come back to visit me, either at school or after that. Please. You all mean more to me than you even realize. I mean that with all my heart.

If this entry makes you emotional or makes you teary, I have done my job.

…I feel it’s necessary to tell.  First, because I thought it was funny, and though my thoughts were invalidated by every person that heard the story, I’m telling it anyway.  Second, because I haven’t updated in awhile.  I have a couple huge entries coming up, and as such they take a long time to write.  Finals have kept me very busy, but now they’re over, and I move home today.  You can look for at least one new entry later this week.

Now the story.

I had my last exam yesterday (Calculus) and I absolutely didn’t study for it.  I had a couple drinks the night before and just hung out, watching Falling Down coincidentally while prone.  I woke up two hours before the exam, wrote down a couple equations on my formula sheet and hung out some more until the final.  Didn’t even look at the other stuff from earlier in the year.

So I’m taking this exam, and I realize as I read the first question, Shit, this actually kind of hard.  I’m potentially fucked.  I skip a couple questions because I have no idea how to do them, and I’m pretty nervous by this point.   Nevertheless, I carry on.  Around question 6 or 7, something happens that I don’t really notice at first.  It takes me about 4 or 5 questions to realize my foot is tapping a very specific rhythm.  It is then that I realize that I have had Heat Of The Moment stuck in my head for the past 15 minutes.  I smile and continue the exam.

Now, usually, when one gets a song stuck in one’s head, one can’t stand it and wants it gone.  But this was mind-bogglingly different - the more it played, the more excited I got.  By the end of the test, I was grinning.  Not only that, but I had found that I had done everything easily.  I flipped back to the front page and was able to answer the questions I skipped with simplicity. I don’t know how any of this happened.  All I know is Asia aced my ass.

Thank you Asia.