Luke Grown Up

After taking a little time off from Boston in order to save my money, I headed in this past weekend in order to celebrate Kurt’s birthday. On Friday after work I get myself ready to roll, and I get the 7:47 train in to hang out with Ross, who is leaving for London the next day. While I’m waiting in Franklin for the train to come, I see Anthony, a guy that Diaz and I had seen a few weeks prior at Franklin’s Tavern. We talk for a bit, then the train comes and we go our separate ways. After I sit down on the train, I feel a pat on my shoulder. I look over, and it is Duncan, another guy I haven’t seen in ages. He and I are talking about what’s going on for a bit, then I don my headphones and toss on the second Lord Of The Rings movie.

When I arrive at South Station, I end up meeting Anthony again on the Red Line. After our short rendezvous, I hop on the Green Line at Park Street. So far, so uneventful. At Ross’, I do my usual “Heeeeeyyy the Brooklyn a’pizza” line at the door, then trip over the doorway. Embarrassed, I break several windows. Okay, untrue. But after that incident, Ross and I go to Mission Hill Liquors and I buy us a bottle of Chardonnay and a rack of Miller Lite. We return to Ross’ and proceed to have a poor man’s wine and cheese party (Ross has tons of pre-sliced cheese left over from his sister’s grad party). We get pretty drunk and watch various television programs. After midnight, I call Kurt and wish him a happy birthday. Drunk, he tells me they are going to the Sam Adams Brewery at 12:30. I tell him I’ll call him tomorrow. A little later, we order from Chinese food from Sunshine. It is MUCH better than the shit we got weeks earlier. It is actually quality. We eat and go to bed.

7:30 AM: I am awake, and I am not surprised. I go out onto the balcony without a shirt to have a clove. As I’m leaning up against the railing and taking a drag, a weird looking moth lands on my arm. It is dark gray with a bright orange spot on it. I blow my smoke out on it, and it flies away in frenzied confusion. I laugh.

Ross soon awakes, and I treat him to Dunkin’ Donuts because I am starving. I get a bagel and coffee, he only gets coffee. We head home and sit on the balcony, where I chow down and Ross plays guitar. We harmonize on a few songs and struggle to think of other songs we know. After a bit, Ross showers and I call Kurt to see what the deal for the day is. He says we’ll meet at 1 at his friend’s place on Newbury Street. After Ross gets out of the shower, I hop in. I say my farewells to Ross (he has to go to lunch with his parents around 1 and will be leaving from there) and I head out.

I take the T to Copley and get out, walking to Newbury Street. Kurt tells me to go to Newbury Comics and hang out for a little, since he isn’t there yet and it is near his friend’s place. After about 20 minutes of browsing, Kurt shows up with his roommate Topher. We go to Kurt’s friend’s place which is right nearby. I am shocked that they live on Newbury Street, and the rent is ridiculously low. We walk in and I am introduced to a bunch of people, including one (Mike) who I met several years ago while visiting Kurt in Boston (we played basketball in Brookline - well, they played, I climbed a tree, like an asshole). Mike’s sisters arrive, and we all try to figure out what is happening with the tour. The next one we can catch is the 1:30, so we head out. The crew is me, Kurt, Mike, Topher, and Mike’s sisters. We are to meet up with Kurt’s friend Krystyna at the Orange Line.

When we get to the Stony Brook stop, we get out and I bust Kurt’s balls a little bit. We get to the Brewery and get tickets for the 2:30 tour, which is the next one available. We have about 45 minutes to kill, so Kurt, Topher, and I decide to find a place to get some food. We remembered passing a convenience store a way back, so we go back to check it out. In the front window is a black cat cleaning its asshole. This turns me off, but the other two are ready to go in. We turn the corner to the door and notice some guy standing directly up to the glass, smiling like a pervert at us and dancing to some inaudible rhythm. We go back to the Brewery and ask the guy where we can get food. He directs us to City Feed which is about 10 minutes away.

We get there and it reminds me of The Black Sheep immensely. I am about to order a sandwich on Kurt’s bill, but decide against it when I see they cost about 7 bucks. I instead get a large iced coffee. Kurt gets a big cookie and a Vitamin Water. Topher gets a sweet sango and a drink. So we head back, and on the way I light up a clove. As we get closer, Topher decides he doesn’t want the other half of his sandwich, so he offers it to Kurt and me. We rip it in two. I am juggling a clove, a big coffee, and a sandwich. I can’t consume any of them, having only two hands. We try to fix the problem, and fix it we do. I scarf the sango and love every moment of it.

Back at the Brewery, I look around the antechamber and gaze upon all the historical shit they have. It’s pretty interesting. I notice a man wearing tighty-whities outside of his pants with the phrase “World’s Largest Natural Gas Resource” on the back. I shake my head. In walks the tour guide sporting a huge stein of beer. He drinks it throughout the tour. During the introduction he brings attention to the skivvies guy. People start to clap, and I calmly implore the people not to applaud him. So we’re on the tour, looking at the vats and such. When they pass around the ingredients of beer (they only pass around barley and hops) I eat some of the hops. Pretty bad choice.

After our brief tour we are led to the tasting room. At the door we are carded - I still have my Under 21 license because it doesn’t expire until October, and the guy who checks my ID says, “Man, get your license.” I get embarrassed. I point out that it is Kurt’s birthday and dart inside, getting my free 7-ounce glass on the way. The tasting room is set up like a beer hall, and we take our seats near the back. One by one pitchers are passed back. We drink the nectar that is fresh Boston Lager and are merry. Next comes the Summer Ale, equally delicious. At this point the tour guide talks about how it is Skivvies Man’s bachelor party. The guide asks him what his name is. He says, “Matt.” Kurt, like an asshole, says very loudly, “What? Mac?” The man shoots Kurt an incredibly dirty look immediately, and I lose my shit. I realize then that for the rest of the tasting I will be a huge asshole. Kurt and I play off each other in that respect. The tour guide wants us to sing Happy Bachelor to him, so I sing Happy Birthday. Loudly. Nothing happens.

Next comes the Winter Lager. Not really a beer I like, but I drink it anyway. At this point they are having trouble with the lines to the kegs, so the tour guide starts asking trivia. The first thing he asks is “What are the four Sam Adams seasonal brews?” Immediately a frat boy’s hand shoots up. He is so sure he knows the answer. His answer: “Spring, Summer, Winter, Oktoberfest.” Too bad there is no Spring Ale. The tour guide says no, and Kurt and I proceed to say “Spring Ale!” really loudly. When we’re about to get another brew, Kurt loudly asks, “Is it Spring Ale?!” More variants emerge. We have to leave after this because the kegs are fucked. We visit the shop on the way out. I buy myself a Perfect Pint glass and a stein, and Topher and I chip in to buy Kurt a stein for his birthday. Topher, Kurt, and I head to Diaz’s to pick up the rest of my Miller rack from the night before. Diaz has just recently arrived back with Meg, so we go and hang for awhile. I have a beer or two. On the way out I give Diaz several beers for the road, and we agree to see each other later at Kurt’s party.

We head back to Kurt’s and hang out briefly. It is now about 5:30. I get myself situated in Willy’s room and we all prepare to go to Sunset Grill (a bar with 100+ beers on tap) to meet some of Kurt’s friends. The three of us leave within a few minutes.

When we get there, I realize I need cash. I order an Anchor Liberty and a pulled pork sandwich. Scof shows up, and the two of us try to track down the nearest Bank Of America ATM. After 10 or 15 minutes of going up and down the street and asking a store clerk where it is, we finally find it. We get money and head back to the restaurant. Our food has arrived, and we chow down. Scof didn’t actually order anything, but the waitress fucked up and put in an extra order of nachos, so Scof eats that. The food is awesome. I notice that the beer glasses say “Lame Stolen Beer Glass” on the side. Naturally, I steal it - I give it to one of Kurt’s friends, and she puts it in her purse. We leave a pretty piss-poor tip.

From here, we go to the liquor store nearby and get beer for the party. Kurt buys 3 racks of Pabst while we all get tons of phone calls from people coming to the party, including Chris D’Errico and Alex Butera. We leave the store and run into Diaz and Meg. They help us carry the shit back to Kurt’s, and the party begins. Butera and his girlfriend Lindsay show up, and I meet Chris Woods and his friend Rin. Scof and I face Diaz and Meg in Beirut. We lose amidst Diaz’s trash-talking. We go outside to have a smoke. Chris and Rin join us. As we are outside, shooting the shit, Tha HIZ comes up in conversation. Chris tells me that there is a legend at Maine College of Art (Tha HIZ’s alma mater) that someone did a shrine to Chuck Norris as their senior thesis. I confirm that it was Tha HIZ.

Just then D’Errico and De show up with champagne. They go inside. Kurt keeps yelling at us out the window. Then Heather and her boyfriend Chris show up. Kurt comes down and introduces us all as Chris. I realize there are way too many Chrises at the party. Shortly thereafter, D’Errico and De come outside. D’Errico invites me to come to the bar with them, and I accept. We head into the middle of Allston, going behind a building to avoid being seen by people De works with. I see a streak of light on the ground, and as I look closer, I notice that it is a rat scurrying from a restaurant with a big chunk of food in its mouth. I try to stomp it as it goes under a fence.

We end up going to Big City, a bar with many many beers. D’Errico gets me a Kronenbourg. We hang with some other Franklin dudes for awhile and leave after we finish our beers. On the walk back, Chris and I walk really slowly in front of a BMW SUV with a girl driving and a guy in the passenger seat. We aren’t meaning to walk slowly to be dicks, but we’re walking slowly nonetheless. The car is trying to turn, but we’re blocking. As we hit the sidewalk, the guys says, “Try walking a little faster next time!” in a rude tone. Normally, I would have to think of something to say, but because of the alcohol in my bloodstream, spitfire I shoot back a flat “Fuck you.” He says, “Fuck YOU!!!” and totally wants to fight us. We walk off. Chris wants to fight him.

We get back to Kurt’s around 10:30 and Diaz, Meg, Alex, Lindsay, Heather, Chris, and Scof are gone. What the fuck? I hang outside to have a clove. I get inside and there are a ton of new people that I don’t know. Apparently D’Errico invited over Kurt’s neighbors. Lots of chicks. I make a ruckus. D’Errico commences knocking people’s open beers out of their hands. He does it to me 5 or 6 times over the night. We proceed to get ridiculous. I throw burnt cookies all over the place. D’Errico pours beer in a light fixture on the wall. Kurt is wearing a Pabst box on his head as a hat. Kurt and I rap Tha HIZ’s “Lesson We Learned”. Everyone is becoming a garden plant.

A quick break to explain the term “garden plant”. A few weeks prior I hung out at Diaz and Ross’. Kurt came over and the four of us played Shirts vs. Skins Beirut. We drank a rack of Pabst very quickly, then started playing quarters in the kitchen. I was very drunk. I kept dropping the quarter on the counter haphazardly and making it in. At 1:15 in the morning, while playing, someone looked at the clock 0n the stove. Making a joke, they said, “The oven’s on! At 115 degrees! What could you cook at that temperature?” I added, in Turtle-voice, “You could cook a garden plant in that.” I kept insisting that one could cook a garden plant at that temperature. Prior to this, we had used the term “jalopy” to indicate a person that was very drunk (because Diaz and Ross witnessed my neighbor Lauren completely wasted, passed out on Ashley’s back on the island in my kitchen - Ross called her a “jalopy” and it stuck). After I said that, anyone who is completely out of control was now known as a “garden plant”.

There is now beer spilled all down Kurt’s hallway from D’Errico’s and my shenanigans. We migrate to the ping pong table, where Kurt is about to open a fresh PBR. D’Errico knocks it out of his hands, and it hits the floor with a thud. D’Errico picks it up and shakes it a bit. He tells me to open it. I refuse without thinking, and begin to tap the top to get the fizzing down. Right before I tap it one time, I realize that it’d be hilarious if I opened it. I open it and it sprays EVERYWHERE. I get everyone around me and myself soaked with cheap beer. One of the girls I spray screams. I laugh hard and drink the rest of it.

After more shenanigans, we decide we want to go to a bar. It is now about 1:30 or so, so we’re almost out of time. Kurt, Krystyna, Chris Woods, Chris D’Errico, Topher, and I make our way to Big City. Chris claims he is a muppet. Kurt is wearing a rubber snake around his neck, and he wears it for the rest of the night. We get there with just over 5 minutes until last call. We go upstairs and I order a $14 22-ounce beer with 10% alcohol (Pizza Port Old Viscosity). I can hardly drink it though, because it is so sweet and I am on the verge of disaster. The bartender fucks up the bill and because of it, Topher and Krystyna can’t get drinks in time for last call, so they leave. As they are trying to clear people out, Chris, Kurt, and I are being complete drunk assholes. We keep screaming things like “HEY HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT MYSPACE” (Kurt) and “HEY HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE” (Luke). Chris leaves a $3 tip, and I steal it when he isn’t looking (I recall this the next day when cleaning out my pockets).

We leave and continue being assholes, screaming and doing other unsavory things. I light up a clove and start blowing it on people. I blow it in one girl’s hair sitting at a table and her boyfriend yells, “Hey, he just blew smoke in your hair!” We walk faster. Toward the end of the block, Chris defies physics and jumps in the air and makes himself completely parallel to the ground, landing in some shrubs, belly-up. He lies there for a couple seconds while I laugh my balls off. Right around here, D’Errico gets a call from De. He answers it, and Kurt slams his phone out of his hand onto the pavement. Then Chris Woods and I run ahead and start punching the bumpers of expensive cars, trying to get alarms to go off. None do. We finally punch the bumper of a fucking Jeep, and the alarm goes off. We book it back to Kurt’s.

After this, not too much happens. The party is winding down, and Chris Woods, Rin, and I sit outside. Chris climbs onto a ledge and pisses off of it. I laugh.

The next day Kurt and I go to Spike’s to get a hot dog and back to Big City and play some pool.

That’s about it.