Luke Grown Up

Someday I hope to have children. Among the one or two I plan to have, I want to have a boy. Obviously I would love a girl too, but sometimes a guy just wants a little guy running around. I’ve had a lot of time to think these past months, and it’s given me time to formulate some of the points I would like to tell him. Most of these could be told to a girl too, but I think if I were to tell these to my boy, he would respect them, especially if I told him at a young enough age. So let me start.

Son, when you get older, you won’t have me looking out for you all the time. You’re going to be an independent, successful young man. However, there are things that could stand in your way. I want you to learn from my experience. Some of these points may seem more trivial than others, but I can tell you that they are all important in some way.

1. Always shave the mustache first. Whether you’re using a manual razor and you’re low on time, or you’re using an electric razor and the battery dies, you will at least have a symmetrical partial-shave. While it is tempting to leave the mustache for last, this is always a bad idea - the mustache will make you look like a child molester, and you’ll be stuck with that look for at least the rest of the day. Believe me.
2. If you’re at a mall, avoid the food court at or before 5 PM. It will be filled with nothing but fat people.
3. Read. Not just magazines or the backs of cereal boxes - actual books. Literature is extra points. Your brain will thank you, and to be honest, it’s usually better than reruns of Charles In Charge.
4. Work your ass off, wherever you are. Jobs and school are important, and working hard at both will guarantee you that you will do better and better things as time goes on.
5. Stay away from rap music. It’s bad for your worldview.
6. You’re not Irish, don’t pretend you are. Your mom may be half-Irish, so that makes you at most a quarter Irish. Your heritage is richer and worth more than poisoning your liver night after night and listening to Dropkick Murphys and rationalizing it by saying, “It’s ok, I’m Irish. This is what the Irish do.” Have some pride for yourself and don’t base your identity around stereotypes of your partial nationality.
7. Don’t waste time with shitty women. It’s bound to happen someday, but after your first block of time with one, learn from it. Recognize that you squandered your energy on something that was not worth it, and move on.
8. Don’t ever buy reality television shows on DVD. Just don’t do it.

Boy, I hope you learn from the follies of your old man. I don’t expect you to understand the implications of each of these points immediately, but in time the truths will reveal themselves. I also recognize that if you’re anything like me, you’ll forego all of this advice and do it all on your own. While it is satisfying to do it all and learn on your own, let me put it to you this way. Mankind has been making mistakes for tens of thousands of years. The only way we have the technologies and novelties we have today is because people learned from those fuck-ups. So don’t be stubborn - read this list, take these points to heart, and think everyday. This is by no means a hard-and-fast set of rules that will govern everything, but this will at least get you started.

I love you, son.

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